2001-12-29 - 12:32 p.m.

Dear Denzel,

Here’s an interesting quandary for you.

I am horridly easy to set off. I get aroused over anything and damn near everything. I pretty much stay aroused unless something comes by and kills it for a few. I don't have to use anything but my mind and I orgasm all the damn time (not the soul cleansing ones but the good tingling-head-to-toes-i-wanna-take-a-nap-now kind). No toys, hands, reading material required. (And yes, I do this all the time to relieve stress and cure headaches or just feel good.)

Then I add a person to the mix.

I spend all my time concentrating on them (and to tell the truth I get off on that, too) and drive them nuts and they fall asleep fully satisfied but then wake up upset that they didn't "do for" me like I "did for" them. Nothing assuages their feeling of guilt.

Now, working with someone is do-able but I actually have to work on us both and it is harder to do and takes longer (not really complaining but they sometimes get tired of waiting for me). I only know two people who could actually take control and send me through the roof without giving up—I divorced him and the she is unattainable.

I truly don’t care if I hit it every time since I can step out of the room and take care of myself in less than 30 seconds, but I do care about their feelings.

Am I just sexually antisocial or a raging control freak?

Selflessly Devoted

Dear Self Sufficient,

First, let me apologize to all the Denzel readers for taking so long to update, but it's taken me five months to get over my amazement over what an incredible talent this woman has. I can't even think about it too hard right now or my eyes will just glaze over and they'll find me sitting in front of the computer with cobwebs draped over me again.

I mean, WOW. Coming all the time, at will, just by thinking about it. *glaze, glaze* Whoa! Where was I?

Okay, first, kudos to you for not just faking it with your lover just to make him feel better.

Second, speaking as someone who has a very difficult time coming without a vibrator when someone's in bed with me but who enjoys a fine self-love life on her own, my personal opinion is "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." In other words, if you're really happy not coming when you're with someone, then there's nothing really wrong with the situation. All right, that's easily said, but what about your lover's feelings.

I'm pretty spoiled in that my sexual partners are really happy with the pleasure they get when we have sex, and it didn't take them long to get over that guilt over not being able to deliver the same thing for me. I'm a top, and when I say, "I'm fine with it," they take my word for it and do what I tell them to do. Shyeah, right.

Honestly, it doesn't seem to bug them a bit anymore that they have all the orgasms during sex and I take care of myself later. Just like you, when we've taken the effort to get me off during the same session, they're about ready to fall asleep by the time I get there.

On the other side of the Durex Gold Coin condom, I can understand your lover's feelings as well. There's a great sense of satisfaction that comes with pleasuring someone to the point of orgasm. It's gratifying and makes you feel like a big stud. It's a reward in itself. You know the feeling because you say you get off on driving your partner nuts and satisfying him or her.

But let's consider the whole point to having sex anyway. Is it about "I'll give you 47 minutes of pleasure and exactly two orgasms, and then you give me 47 minutes of pleasure, one blow job and one orgasm, and we won't be satisfied until everything is equal"? No. It's about each of you enjoying what you enjoy. You like the sex even without the orgasm, right? So it's not like you feel cheated if you don't have an orgasm. You've had some wonderful sensation, a very fine good fucking time, in fact. If he's satisfied to the point of passing out afterward, they he's obviously enjoyed it.

Having sex with the giving and receiving of pleasure, much less orgasms, all even-Steven is a rarity. Most people prefer to give a little more than to receive or vice versa. And the last thing in the world you want to do is turn sex into a frigging chore. Okay, he's done so let's pull out the block and tackle, the levers and inclined planes and see if we can make you come before the sun rises. No.

Try explaining to him one more time that it's hard for you to come with someone else, and that it takes a little of the fun out of it to have to work so hard at it. It's way more enjoyable to take care of yourself later if you feel like it and just enjoy the afterglow without him acting like he's got some sort of union "come contract" to fulfill.

That said, I did think of a compromise you might want to try. I often masturbate while I'm thinking up the answers to these Denzel questions, and while most of the time I go off on some fantasy tangent and forget the question altogether, sometimes I do see light at the end of the tunnel. No, not that tunnel.

My own experience is that it's a lot easier to come with someone else there if they're perfectly still and don't say a word. I need my full concentration. But phone sex is a different matter. My lover's not in the room, I don't have touch other than my own to distract me, and being talked dirty to makes me hot. I don't worry about how weird I might look screwing up my face and holding my breath or whatever.

I don't know if your lover lives with you or not, but you might give phone sex a try. Have him call you up, tell you how badly he wants you, what he'd like to do to you (or have you do to him), and all the while you can be working your lucky charms. If you need him to be quiet, just say, "Shut up and fuck me!" He can jack off on the other end of the line, and hopefully you can come, too. And maybe, just maybe, it will help him achieve that sense of having "done for" you. If it works on the phone, maybe it will work on the bed while he's next to you, but not trying to stimulate you sexually. It's a starting point at least.

Good luck and let me know how it all comes out.

--Bad

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