2001-07-21 - 3:49 p.m.

Dear Denzel,

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. We have shared nearly everything together. But something happened in the second year of our relationship. My girlfriend lost her sex drive. But she only lost it in one respect; she only likes to "do" and doesn't like to "receive", or at least not very often.

It started with rebuffs or excuses as to why I couldn't make love to her. Over time I had come to accept it. But it has bred an ... insecurity? ... in me and now even if she wants me to do things to her, I can't. Anything past kissing her or mild fondling, and I panic or just don't want to.

It's spilled over to affect other relationships. I have a difficult time doing anything to my boyfriend.

Now I have a very active sex life, but I feel greedy in bed because I'm afraid to do anything. My girlfriend is content with the situation because she prefers being the 'doer' anyway. But I know it affects my boyfriend. He's very supportive, but I hate that I can't seem to be the person "doing".

It actually gets to the point where, when faced with the prospect of having to "do" things to someone else, it turns me off of sex completely. Any ideas on how to get my confidence back and dispel the fears that are keeping me from making my lovers feel good?

Takes it, but can't dish it out

Dear Taking It to the Limit,

It does sound like you've got a confidence problem, and your girlfriend sounds a lot like me. Her change in preference—from give-and-take to mostly-give—sounds just like that, a change in preference, or maybe a realization of preference.

Don't feel greedy. We all have a give-and-take balance in sex. Some folks, like me, like to be the give, or aggressor, 95 percent of the time and the take, or receiver, only 5 percent of the time. Others are just the opposite. But it sounds like you might've internalized that as something you are doing "wrong".

You, as a polyamorist, should know that, for instance, when fishing for new partners sometimes "no" just means "no". It's nothing personal or wrong with you. Well, sometimes "I'd prefer something else" just means "I'd prefer something else".

But it sounds like you're solidly mired in a confidence slump. All you need is to do what the baseball players do. Wear your underwear inside out and don't change your socks. That, and a pep talk.

One thing you've got going for you is that being a good lover, whether giving or receiving, is not like being a good pitcher. It's not so much talent and practice as it is enthusiasm and attitude. That, and communication.

Because what you really like to do is be on the receiving end of sexual attention, what I want you to do during sex is bring your mind into synch with what your partner is feeling when you're giving attention to him and to her. I know you can do this. It's going to take an effort on all parts though.

Your partners need to be giving you your propers. Positive reinforcement. No only do I want them to be explicit in telling you what they'd like you to do, but I want them to be sure to respond with appropriate appreciation. Groaning, moaning, that's it, oh-yeah-baby-ing. Nobody gets off when the person they're fucking is just laying there like a log (unless that's what they, in particular, get off on ... but I digress).

And you, pay attention to their breathing, to their face. Look at that! You're doing that. Imagine what kind of pleasure they must be feeling and wrap your mind around it completely. Let those thoughts translate into what you think they would like next. He's really liking the way you're tongueing around at the base of his cock, right where the nuts start? That probably feels a lot like when someone presses their tongue firmly to the root of your clit. What would you like next? The big, wet lick, right? So wrap your mouth around that cock head and slather it up. See what I mean? Of course your ideas just get better the more you know what your partner likes. If they guide you to do something other than what you're doing, you're not doing something wrong, you're learning what they like!

And there's another thing I'd like you to consider. You've heard of topping from the bottom, right? For those not in the know, in BDSM, topping from the bottom is when the submissive let's it be know exactly what they would like to be done to them. Some folks frown on this, but I think it's a fine practice when done properly. Well I take that concept to a different level when someone is fucking me. I flip things around in my mind, and even though my lover may have her fist inside me, I still feel like I'm the one who's dishing it out. I clamp down hard, I thrust up, I talk dirty, and when I say "fuck me", it's a command, not an expression of need.

You can do that the other way around. Your body is a receptacle of pleasure, and when you're doing the pleasing, you're sharing everything your body can feel with someone else. Her cunt taking your fingers, his cock taking your mouth, your tongue savoring the taste and texture of a nipple pressed into it. Hot as fucking hell is what that is.

Don't sweat the technique. It will feel clumsy sometimes. But being introduced to new things and trained in the best way to do them is always really exciting. With the proper guidance, you'll get your confidence back. And speaking of guidance, have your lover put their hand over yours and guide you in what you do, in how you touch them. Mmmmmm.

Well, I'm horny now. And I hope you are, too. And the next time the opportunity arises for you to do something for one of your partners, in your best "oh, please, do me now" mindset, tell them, "oh, please, show me how".

—Bad

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