2001-07-16 - 10:37 p.m.

Dear Denzel,

I lost my virginity a few days before I turned eighteen. It's been around eight months now, but I can't help but notice that I still experience pain during intercourse.

I have had the same partner (my boyfriend) the entire time, and he's not violent, so it's not because he's ripping me, or anything of the sort. I am petite in a way; though I'm very tall, I'm also very thin and have small hips.

What can I do to ease the pain so I can enjoy sex more? We've already begun using KY, which does seem to help. But it's not all in the lube—it almost feels as if I'm still a virgin, every time. Is this normal?

IN pain, but not INTO pain

Dear Pained,

Experiencing pain during intercourse as you described is not normal, but after some web research, I found that it's not too uncommon either. Which isn't to say that it's not a big deal.

Get to a gynecologist.

I did a simple Internet search on "medical painful intercourse penetration" and came up with tons of helpful information on dyspareunia, which happens to be the clinical term for painful intercourse. I suggest you search on dyspareunia and read up on it in more detail than I can give here.

There are a number of potential causes for the pain. And you can't diagnose any of them yourself. That's why you have to see a doctor. Even if you stopped having intercourse today, you still need to have it checked out to see what the problem is.

From my research, I learned that dyspareunia (who the hell knows how to pronounce that) can be caused by ...

o extreme tension in the vaginal muscles

o collision pain, which can be caused by a sore spot inside the vagina, a cyst on the ovary, an enlarged uterus, or a tipped (or retroverted) uterus, which means that it's tilted back away from the belly instead of forward

o vaginitis (inflammation of the vagina), which is caused by microscopic organisms such as bacterium or Candida (a really bad STD that needs immediate treatment, easily passed from female to male to female without knowledge of the carrier)

o endometriosis, which is when tissue (endometrium) normally lining the uterus grows on different organs outside the uterus.

There are probably more causes that I didn't find.

I know that when you're 18 it can be hard to make that gynecologist visit if you've never done it before. But I did it, and so can you. It's time.

Of course, you may have a regular GYN already and don't need this advice, but I'm going to give it anyway in case there are other young women out there facing that first pelvic exam and pap smear. Whee.

First, you have to find a gynecologist. You can ask your general practitioner for a reference. If you're in college, the student clinic should have a gynecologist. Ask friends for references (maybe somebody with really liberal parents). Look in the phone book. Call a family planning clinic. I know you're smart and resourceful enough to find a way.

Sometimes it's just working up the nerve to go that's the tough part, though. Knowing you're going to have to go in and strip and put on one of those paper gowns and spread 'em up in those stirrups can be daunting. Welcome to womanhood. We all have to do it.

If you've got shyness issues, let me tell you, it's really no big deal. Especially for your GYN. He's just doing his job, and he does it all day long. You can't tell a GYN anything she hasn't heard before. They've seen it all.

Sometimes you're forced through finances or geography to take who you can get, but if it's at all possible, try to find a doctor you can eventually feel comfortable with. If anything about your GYN creeps you out, you have the right to walk out and find somebody else. A good GYN should be gentle and explanatory. He should listen to you carefully. She should answer all your questions until you understand the answers.

So please, don't just live with the pain. Go get checked out as soon as possible.

—Bad

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