2001-07-06 - 4:31 p.m.

Dear Denzel,

When I'm with a woman sexually I wanna touch her everywhere. I want to hold her, rock her, lick her and do anything and everything to know every single tiny detail of her body. I love breasts and even though I have a pair of my own, I've often said I'd love another pair in my bed just for me to play with endlessly. When I'm with a woman I feel feminine, complete, and intimate in ways that I didn't know existed.

I enjoy sex with guys, and my current "friend" and I have mind-blowing sex. I just don't feel intimate with him. I don't feel all that warm and wonderful afterwards, or even during. What we have is raw sex frenzies where we pleasure each other and then fall apart to our separate corners.

This is true with every man I've been with but only true of one woman I've been with. I've come to believe that only women know the true meaning of intimacy and men just don't have a clue. Do you think that is possible? Or could it be that I don't know how to express intimacy with a man?

Up Close, Not So Personal

Dear Intimate-idator,

You know, you're already ahead of the game by recognizing the difference in your feelings. You don't have sex confused with love. But don't sell guys too short and women too long.

Of course there are lots of guys out there who know the meaning of intimacy. But they're all married or gay. (*ba-dum ching*) Ahhhhh, I'm just kidding, but sometimes it seems they are few and far between. And sometimes you have to drag it out of them because the path of no-intimacy is the path of least resistance. Why share icky feelings when it's easier to just fuck and then go watch TV? The same holds true for anyone who hides their emotions under a rock—men or women. I used to tamp down certain emotions (like anger) so firmly that I had to do a couple years of therapy just to identify them.

And there are plenty of women who don't know intimacy from their ass. Believe me.

I think what you've got here is a healthy sexual appreciation for guys and an affectional preference for women. (Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to get into all that preference vs. orientation crap here.)

A lot of lesbians, myself included, are in that same boat. But they won't admit it. They fall deeply in luuuuuuuv with the first woman who listens to them and pays attention to them and all of a sudden they're all "I'm a lezzzbeeeaaan, I'm a lezzzbeeeaaan!" *Badsnake does the sisterhood dance of lesbianism, which involves lots of leaping and hairy underarm flashing* And they never want to have anything to do with guys again.

I would call myself bi, but my man-fucking license expired a long time ago, and I'm too lazy to get it renewed.

My personal philosophy is that you have to break it down into how you feel about individual humans and not try to make it a gender thing. BUT, you probably have a tendency to feel closer to women—an affectional preference. When you say "I want to hold her, rock her, lick her and do anything and everything to know every single tiny detail of her body," I'm thinking women may bring out the aggressor/protector side of you, and you might just be getting off emotionally AND sexually on that feeling. Nothing wrong with that.

Now, the Sweet Potato Queens, a group of sage Southern women in all kinds of voluptuous proportions and the inspiration for "The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love" (which I highly recommend), say that a woman has to have five men to be satisfied in her life: a man to laugh with, a man to dance with, a man who's good in bed, a man who can buy you stuff, and a man to share your feelings with (that one can be gay). They say you're not going to find one man with all those qualities.

So you have to decide what's important to you. Closeness and intimacy is pretty important when you want a longterm relationship with just one person. Do you want to try to stick it out with the guy who rocks in bed but leaves you feeling "eh" in the emotional department? Beakers full of sexual chemistry but no heartstrings? You could enter the wonderful world of polyamory and keep the boy on the side and find your love-woman, too. But you'll have to find a pretty open-minded girl and be comfortable and consistent with your safe sex standards.

And how does he feel about all this? Is he sitting in the other room, thinking you're happy with the status quo, and all the while he's secretly wishing for more intimacy? It could happen.

My point is, he deserves to know what's going on in your head and a shot at sparking some intimacy if that's what you both want to try. Since I don't have all the information I'd have if we talked for hours about this in person and you paid me hundreds of dollars, I'll trust you to make the ethical—though sometimes hard—decisions in how you work this out with your current flame.

Now what was the question? Oh, yeah. Do I think guys are clueless when it comes to intimacy? Some, but not all. Do I think it's possible that you don't know how to express intimacy with a man? Sure it's possible. But that doesn't mean you can't learn together if you want to give it a go. Intimacy can arise in a purely sexual relationship. It's not uncommon. But you can't force it either if the feeling's not mutual.

Think things over and talk it out with your guy. If you can get him to talk about it, maybe he'll surprise you. If he just tunes you out, well, there's your big clue. Cash out on his table, and go play the chicks where your odds are better.

Bad

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