2002-03-01 - 4:43 p.m.

Dear Denzel,

My boyfriend and I are considering having sex. We aren't too worried about pregnancy and the like; we plan on taking the necessary precautions. However, he's afraid of "how well" he'll do—given that it will be his first time, but not mine. He's such a naturally passionate person that I can't imagine that it could possibly be less than wake-the-neighbors great. And even if it isn't, it wouldn't bother me, really; I've never minded not "getting off," as it were.

So, how can I calm his performance-anxiety fears and reassure him that orgasms aren't everything there is to sex? Please keep in mind that I have some small amount of trouble saying things bluntly about sex in person.

Thank you,
Anti-Anxietress

Dear Virgin Taking Machine,

I'm pretty sure I can help. The best thing I can think of to do is to reveal Badsnake's Sex Tips for Straight Men. But I haven't finished writing them yet.

I can give you advice on how to calm his performance-anxiety fears, but I'm not sure how much good that will do. I'm sure you've already tried. See, you're not objective in his eyes. He needs to hear it from someone else I think. Unfortunately, men are so trained to think that they have to do everything perfectly in bed the first time, and if they don't, they just suck and should hang their heads in shame. Being someone's lover is a learning process, over time and with every new partner. Being a good lover is part confidence and part communication.

You guys are missing some points on both of those counts. Since you've got a problem talking frankly about sex in person, and he's got a problem with his confidence, here's what I'd suggest you do for now: I'll call this a "slumber party" date. I want you two to get together, turn off all the lights, get it as dark as you can, keep your clothes on, lie down together (I can see you curled up facing each other with your foreheads touching), and talk sex.

Get him to talk about the stuff he's wanted to do with you. Let him know what sounds fun and exciting to you. Tell him what you would like. Tell each other what things you don't like or aren't willing to try yet. Tell him what's important to you when it comes to intimacy. Giggle about stuff. You'll probably feel stupid doing this, but it'll clear some of the tension, and I hope it will make it easier for the two of you to talk with each other. And who knows what it might lead to?

Please remember that he can't read your mind. And not everyone is good at reading body/moan signals in bed. Or delivering readable body/moan signals. Be brave and talk about things. You'll be glad you did. And I'm hoping that he will have more confidence with all this fabulous information in his head. And mention that "lovers are a learning process" thing that I said earlier. That was a good one. I should write that down.

Badsnake

[A note from Denzel: Since I've been such a slack-ass on posting new Denzel entries, I have to reveal that this question is pretty old. I sent a private response long ago, and this happy couple is probably going at it like bunnies by now. I hope.]

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